DIARY
i don't know how i feel lately. i think the drugs i take are numbing me too much because at this point i can't tell if i'm angry, sad or happy. all my emotions are lumped into one confusing dose of seratonin. honestly typing these things down feels surreal, as if i didn't even know i had these thoughts myself. even though i typed it out it still feels like somehow i'm like possessed. it feels weird these days to say i'm sad. before i was so used to it being my default, now everytime i cry my brain hurts. i cried today. i miss my best friend. she has gone off to college, and i'm proud but i feel as if she's forgotten about me with all the boys, drugs and partying. i just want her to send a text. i need her. being attached scares me. i've never felt this way towards anyone! i'm a lone wolf, and i don't love. yet, somehow i've developed a soft spot for my friend. i just hope she doesn't chew me up and give me another reason to shut everyone out.
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FEBRUARY 14TH
today was valentine's day. i have mixed feelings, because half of me loves the idea of being in love and the other half knows i'm incapable of it. it's not that i want to be this way i just know that deep down i'm so broken i don't think i'll be able to fully trust someone like you're supposed to when you're in love. i've only had one boyfriend. and he fucked me over. he lied about his age, molested me, and took advantage of my innocence. i haven't been the same since. i've been hurt too many times so i've grown this thick skin that doesn't let anyone in. i hate it. i want to be able to open up and make myself vulnerable but the voice in the back of my head tells me i'm going to get hurt and there's no use. besides, i'm too ugly to find someone who will love me. i want to meet someone who understands me. but, i don't think that's possible.
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MAY 28TH
i relapased on my eating disorder and is it bad i'm kind of relieved? i had nightmare about two days ago where i was fat, but i couldn't remember if i was this size or bigger, i just know that i was horrified and i wanted to end my shit. i was so disgusted with myself, i was crying and crying because i wanted all the fat off of me. i think that's what triggered it. quaratine has made me gain a lot of weight, weird enough though this is not the biggest i've been. i think once i hit 160 i realized i was becoming more disgusting than usual.
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MAY 31ST
the news really has me thinking.. is there truly a way that humans can live in hamrony with one another? society is built on have's and have not's, no matter what happens there will always be inequality. i know that these fights will help make the difference in priveldges lessen, but i know deep down in human nature we will always be in competition with one another. harmony will never exist, and that's so fucked up to say but it's what is true. i always think of myself as a logical person, and i think i'm very smart. whenever i get into these conversations about morality with other's i can't help but wonder what's the point. i used to be a highly empathetic person but i feel as if i've lost most empahty because of how much people took it for granted.
i've been used, wringed out and left to out by so many people. i refuse to let myself ever be taken advantage of ever again but that seems to be my issue i guess? in order to love someone you have to trust, but what if i don't have the ability to open myself up in that way. it's an issue, but i don't know if it's something i should fix. on one hand i'm content with these walls and not allowing myself to get hurt. the pathetic optimist side wants me to be able to open up and trust. but there's no use. like i said it's human nature. there's no use.
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JUNE 1ST
i feel like i'm going crazy. i feel so alone and it's making my head swirl in spirals. i feel like time is moving too slow and too fast. it's already june!! it's only june?? i'm not sure. i'm so angry though.. everytime i turn on the tv, or my computer or even my phone i see what's happening in this country and i get so scared. i feel so powerless and i hate not being in control. i don't know what to do..or if there's any use. clearly the world i fucked up, and systematically i have no chance of making it, especially in the career field i chose so what's the point?
i know it's fucked up to say but i honestly feel like i should have killed myself months ago. i never imagined myself grduating, and i guess technically i never did. maybe it's not too late...i shouldn't say things like that but it's true. sometimes i feel like giving up, but then i'll have to come to terms with what reality is. what is a soul? and what is life? that's too much to think about, so i'd rather not.
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JUNE 5TH
the concept of sleep scares me so much. the idea of not being able to control what you think and that time travels faster in that subconsious state scares me. psychologists don't exactly know why we dream, or if it means something but for some reason it scares me. i hate not being in control of what i'm seeing.. or thinking i guess? every night before bed i get this knot in my stomach because i'm scared to close my eyes, because i'm scared to lose control. because i'm afraid to let go. i do end up falling asleep, but it terrifies me to be able to. sometimes i day dream about a better life to help myself stop overthinking the simple task, other times i play music or a movie to turn my brain off. i just wish my brain was so fucked and i could sleep.
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JUNE 8TH
i wonder if you know what you're doing... and how badly it hurts me. you tease me, you dangle it in front of my face and everytime i reach for it i fall flat on my face. i like you a lot, and i don't know why you just..make me so happy. i think it's all this time being alone because i never get like this with anyone. i need to toughen up and get over it because the only person this is hurting is me...and the cynical side of me thinks you enjoy watching me follow you around like a lost puppy. i want to kiss you.
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JUNE 10TH
the full moon this month was going to intice change in my life. and, suprisingly it did... a very big change i can not go into detail yet, since it would give away my identity in some way or another, i also do not want to get my hopes up. it's looking good so far, and this change is highly possible. but do i truly want to go through with this? it's already too late since i made the decision but i feel as if i'm not mentally strong enough. i need to get those thoughts out, and manifest good energy...
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JUNE 28TH
i'm sorry i have been gone for so long. lately i had some trouble with my meds and school. i finally got my meds and i'm back to being a brain dead sertraline zombie. i'm moving out of my home and it's bittersweet half of me is glad i'll be as far away as possible from my sisters and mother, but the other half has an irrational fear of being alone. i hate being alone. isolation is my biggest fear. i'm isolating myself and i love and hate it. i'm not making sense. it's normal and i need to stop being such a pussy about it.
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JULY 7th
I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! when i heard the news that day i felt something i haven't felt in years. i completely numbed myself out, and for thr first time in forever i felt pain, i felt agony, heartbreak, i felt SOMETHING! i love and i hate it so much. only you have that power on me, and it's a curse. everytime i see you i just want to lie on my back, belly up and let you hurt me. if i'm going to get hurt i want it to be by your knife. hurt me! hurt me! hurt me! i'm a pathetic little pisces and i love to cry!! i love it so much when i sit and i watch you kiss HER. i watch you say you love HER. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!! KISS ME!! KISS ME!! WHY AM I SO REPULSIVE WHY AM I SO UNDESERVING OF LOVE WHY DO I FEEL SO MUCH I FEEL SO MUCH I FEEL SO MUCH FEEL FEEL FEEL FEEL FEEL FEEL FEEL feel feel feel feel.....numb. i love you.
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JULY 10th
i think that the pure kind of love isn't made for me. i am filthy and dirty, and if i touch someone else i will spread my filth. i want to hold hands, cuddle and touch eachother innocently. i want to know what to be in love is. but, i'm not deserving of that. i'm disgusting. i wish i wasn't ugly and dirty. no one will wants the tainted girl. sometimes i find people that i want to experience that with, that my dumb naive side thinks that maybe one day they'll realize i need them. i want them to see me as lovely. delicate. beautiful. but i'm not and that's why i'm in this situation. no one loved me, no one will love me. so i sit alone on this night, closing my eyes and imagining his arms around me and that in a fantasy world he wants nothing but the best for me. he never told me he'll never love me, in fact he tells me he loves me everyday. and we listen music in the mornings and giggle and touch eachother innocently. he looks in my eyes and tells me how beautiful i am, and how he wants this moment to last forever. i'm pathetic. i'm still yearning. i feel my chest burn and itch for you. but i'll let the pain kill me. i love you.
✩ ✩ ✩ JULY 14th do you know how you hurt me? one day will you think i'm beautiful too? sometimes when we would play around you always dodged the question about me being pretty. you don't, do you? it's okay, me neither. i just hope that one day, in at least one version of the universe you'll open your eyes and see how i've cried my eyes raw for you. and you'll wipe those tears, kiss my eyelids and tell me you love me.
✩ ✩ ✩ JULY 15th you're avoiding me. i'm trying my hardest to act normal after weeks of crying over you late at night. you don't know about it so stop acting like you do. i've never told you how much i love you. ✩ ✩ ✩ JULY 16th i wish it was you. ✩ ✩ ✩ AUGUST 10th you've completely disappeared and the pain left me. but somehow, i still yearn for love. sometimes i wonder when it all started... when i let men use me like a doll. i'm ugly, i'm fat, i'm horrible and i'm nothing. i know that no one will ever see me as an equal, as something to cherish and protect, something to hold and kiss, something to call their's. i'm not fucking delusional i can see myself in the fucking mirror everyday. i hate myself more and more everyday. my stupid fucking face, my stupid fucking nose my stupid fucking lips i have it. my cheeks are too chubby and i look like a fucking freak. my body. i'm too chubby. i'm not fat enough to be obese, but i'm not skinny enough to be average. i hate the way everything looks on me. i look so stupid going out in public. i just want to rip off everything. i want to grab a knife and slice off all the skin and meat. i don't want to look like this anymore. i want to escape. i want to be beautiful, please. i just wanna be loved. someone pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together. GOD I'M SO FUCKING PATHETIC I STILL CAN'T GET IT THROUGH MY THICK FUCKING SKULL NO ONE WILL LOVE ME I'M STUPID AND UGLY AND WORTHLESS.
✩ ✩ ✩ OCTOBER 4th i relapsed on everything. i can't help it i'm pathetic. i realized how much i hate my body and how badly i want to change it. i realized how much i miss drugs. i realized how much i miss nicotine. i realized how much i miss the pain in my stomach from not eating. i realized i missed hurting myself. ✩ ✩ ✩ OCTOBER 23rd why do i let them fill my holes? my rotten, bruised and bleeding hole. they love it, so pretty they say it tastes good it FUCKS good. they leave me covered in their muck and i lay motionless on my bed; regret. i always regret it yet i feel like i can't stop. like my sense of self worth is based off of how many guys walk in and out of my room. but, then again my self worth is based off of how many guys walk in and out of my room.
✩ ✩ ✩ NOVEMBER 2nd maybe i'm just incapable of feeling love. i got what i wanted yet i still numbed myself. he makes me insecure, i feel undeserving of his gentle touches and kisses. my body is horrible yet he thinks it's cute. why? i've seen his ex girlfriends and they're so much prettier, so much skinnier, so much better. he settled for me. i hate it i wish i could be better.
there's one way to free yourself. maybe in my next life i'll be worth something.
i want to meet someone who likes me and doesn't just want to get into my pants, someone who wants to know what it feels like to love me, to hold me and to kiss me rather than wonder what i'd look like with my skirt lifted. i want someone to treat me like a woman, and not a slap of meat to be passed around and shamed by society. i want someone to sew the puss filled, bleeding holes shut and give it a kiss better. i want love.